the be line

Last year on Oprah's prime time reality TV show, 'The Big Give', 10 contestants competed, not to get, but to give. Each week, faced with a different challenge in a different city, the contestants gave away money and used their creative efforts to help as many people as they could. After each challenge one contestant was eliminated and, at the finale, the winner was Stephen Paletta. I happen to live in the same town as Stephen and his family and was excited to sit down with him recently to talk about his experience on 'The Big Give' and what it really means to be a philanthropist.

beU: I loved your recent blog post when you wrote about your frustration, trying to find meaning in the world of philanthropy beyond the mechanics of giving and receiving money. You kept looking until you found the root of the word which is...

SP: ...to love and serve mankind. (PHILIEN ("to love") and ANTHROPOS ("mankind").

beU: I thought that was so beautiful, and to me, because of the way I’m focused, I saw it as the clear difference between doing and being. The giving and receiving of money is something you "do" but the state of being that’s behind it, what it really comes down to, is service and love of others.

SP: No doubt. However that understanding really isn’t out there at all. Not that I see. At the end of the day it comes down to a dollar and cents issue and not a real living of it. And that’s really frustrating, and I see that everywhere in corporate America. The reality is, we have the bottom line we all have to deal with in our personal life, our business life, whatever it is - there is still a financial bottom line, at least for me and the people I’m around. It is the dominating factor that ultimately controls everything. It’s the way the culture is set up, and to live counter-culturally is really really difficult.

beU: I know that one of the purposes of 'The Big Give' was to motivate people to give and to serve others by showing that you get so much out of it, not financially, but emotionally and spiritually you gain so much when you give. So you are finding that people just don’t realize that, or it’s still not worth it if there’s not a financial gain? Where are we stuck?

SP: I think we're stuck in the dominant culture which is about money. At the end of the day our society is a "me" society. One where you’re judged by who you are and the money, fame or power that you have. The people who are highlighted in the media, the people who are on the front page of the paper, the people in the community who are looked up to are the people with the money or the power and it’s very rare that the person who’s doing the service piece or the person who’s being a true philanthropist and serving and loving others is getting any recognition. Then all of a sudden when we’re in our late 30's to early 40's and we start to go through a typical mid-life crisis, which really is when you start to question that whole thing...

beU: Like “there’s got to be more to life”

SP: There’s got to be more, this way hasn’t brought me the joy that I wanted it to. Being on 'The Big Give' was an interesting ride. In fact, I was so disappointed by the television show because the experience was so much better than the show. The show never got to the joy and the excitement and the true pleasure that came out of the relationships that were developed. In fact, it highlighted the frustrations and aggravations, which happen all the time, whether you’re at work or doing good deeds, there’s frustration. However when one of the episodes would be over, there was a sense of fulfillment that I probably have never had before. I developed a relationship with these people. I’ve come to understand who these people are, their needs, and help them out and they were helping me out. It wasn’t us coming in as white knights, it was people coming together and trying to solve a problem, so you’d sit there at the end and go “this was an unbelievable experience" and none of that came across on television. In my opinion, it just didn’t.

beU: One of my favorite parts wasn't even on the show, it's a deleted scene on the website, a 5 minute clip when you and the other 2 finalists had $5000 to give away. I cried through the whole thing. You walking up and giving a homeless man food, giving the crossing guard money. Cameron stopping a car and the woman had just lost her job - he didn’t know that - but he stopped the car to say "it looks like you’re having a bad day" and she was in shock when he gave her money and got out of her car to hug him…that hands on giving and receiving, the connection, is really…that’s where it’s at. And I can see how hard it is to keep that momentum as you try to scale it larger.

SP: There was one very interesting night. Each week we would fly into the city, get to know people, be with them for 5 days, get to know their lives and do something with them and for them - except in Miami. We arrived in Miami and were handed $100,000 and told "you have 24 hours to give it away," so it was a mad sprint to give away money. It was great, I found some needy organizations, some great things, but it was such a mad race to give away the money that at the end of it I got into my car and I was seriously depressed and they’re filming me and asking "what’s wrong?" I said, "you know, I just had $100,000 that I’ll probably never have again to give away, but I never got to know one person that I gave it to. I never got to sit and talk to anyone. I never understood their story, who their brothers and sisters were, there was no connection whatsoever. All I did was hand out money. Do you know how empty that feels?" Don’t get me wrong, the money did some good, but I thought to myself…this is how people feel giving away money at times. You write a check you send it off and you get nothing out of it if there’s no connection. I think that’s typical. It can actually turn you off about giving.

It was relatively easy for me to do for an 8 week fixed timeframe. All my food and hotel bills were all paid for. I wasn’t even allowed to carry money, so I didn’t have financial concerns. I started out saying "for the next 8 weeks I am going to live life on a need to know basis. I am going to assume that when I show up, God will show up and let me know what I need to know and besides that, I don’t care. And if I get sent home after the first week, then that’s ok." So I’d walk into a city and know nothing and think "ok God, what do I need to know today?" And it was the most peaceful time, there was this power that came. Then you come back to life and you have 3 kids that have to go to school, pay bills and all of the sudden, that ability to live life on a need to know basis goes away. I want to know - am I going to be ok financially 10 years from now? Am I going to be able to pay for all my kids’ college? You’re not asking what do I need to know today, which I think gives you the true joy of living.

beU: truly being, in the moment

SP: But we live in a world that tells us - look, you've got to worry about the future - and we just forget about living life on a day to day basis. Whether it’s the Christian faith or any other ancient spiritual faith, it says the same thing - It’s really about today - and our entire society tells us it’s not. Who are you going to be in the future, what’s your savings, your position, what are your kids going to be like? All of that - what’s your status? And we can’t get away from it.

beU: I believe that’s changing. I believe that it’s a slowly growing change on the fringe of culture that is gaining momentum and it’s getting to a point where a critical mass of people are at least willing to consider an alternative way of living where they are more interested in "how can I live for today?" "how can I find true happiness and fulfillment?" Because our culture has gotten us to the point of great success and progress and accomplishment. With what we've been able to create we’ve proven our intelligence, our capabilities, but in aggregate people are less happy than they’ve ever been. So, I really want to believe that there’s enough momentum around people looking for happiness, true happiness as a priority, and asking questions. Once you start asking those questions, the answers that come back to you are what we're talking about - have the faith to look inside yourself, live in the moment and you will be guided.

SP: I do agree that there is a fringe of this, always has been and maybe it has gotten a little bigger and people like us who have stepped into it are aware of this little movement, however...

beU: I want to bop you on the head with my optimist stick...

SP: Actually, I’ve always been an optimistic person, and I still am, however I think there is a reality that isn’t being pessimistic. It’s saying – it’s either going to stay on the fringe or somehow we’re going to have to take over the dominant culture. How does it stop being a fringe thing? And the dominant culture being the media, the superstardom, the things that are out in front of everybody. I’ve thought about what I’d like to spend the next however long it is I have to live doing, and it would be fighting against the dominant culture to change it and to allow this fringe, if you will, in a real, meaningful way begin to dominate. People are trying to figure that out. In fact, I’m writing a book about it right now. And what I’m looking at is the historical times where culture has gotten out of balance and somebody came along and changed it. I think that’s what’s starting to happen. Influential people in realms whether it’s politics, tv, media, an Oprah Winfrey... My responsibility in this whole big idea is more than just me. We live in a "me" culture and I don’t think we were ever created to be in a "me" culture, we were created to be in a philanthropic culture which is to love and serve others.

beU: It’s good to hear, since you’ve been up close and personal to Oprah, that she really is genuine.

SP: She is a wonderful, magnificent person trying to do the right thing. The one thing I always say about her is - she’s a much better person than she is a TV personality. I really, really like her. You get with her one on one, she’s an unbelievable person, a down to earth, smart, wonderful person who really means well.

There is a video clip from the show where Stephen says "I've learned from this experience that I want my life to be about one thing - serving other people on a full time basis." He continues to work with Oprah on different ideas around developing a philanthropic culture, so be on the lookout for great contributions from him. His sincere passion for creating a culture of service and love leaves me feeling grateful for having him in my community and in the world .

Related Links:

Stephen's website
Stephen's blog
The Big Give