it starts

It starts with a commitment: I will be more.  

I will live in the moment, as much as possible.  I want that.  I don't want this life to pass by.  I want to know that I felt it, witnessed it, accepted it, moved within it, smelled it, tasted it, and enjoyed it.  I want to know that even though it will be impossible for every moment, I was in more moments than I was out.  I want to get that even when it's not good, it's still good because it's my experience and an opportunity to feel the fullness of who I am, the whole picture of me.  I want to proceed knowing that I can't make this happen, but my commitment is enough for now.  My commitment is powerful and because of it I will begin to feel the absolute rightness of exactly where I am and I will know that my determination is paying off.  And I will think, yes, this is what I want to feel like, this is everything, and I want more of this. 

about me

I like a bottom line. 

In our world where there is endless information, opinions, assessments and options to consider, a bottom line provides good solid ground.  That's what 'be' is to me - one of life's bottom lines.  It goes: you've got this moment, enjoy it or not, it's your choice. I want to be present in my life, with my children, in my body, for the experience.  I want to appreciate it all.  I believe there is perfection in every moment.  And I believe the conversation about being - what it means and how to "do" it - clears the way to a happy, successful life.  I believe life is meant to be enjoyed moment by sweet moment and I'm giving it my best shot.

In 1991, just before graduation from college, I had an interview for what would have been my first real, full-time, big deal, job. During the interview I was asked to speak about an important figure in American culture. I chose Michael Jackson. Yes I did. I spoke about how he was using his fame and power for good, bringing positive messages to the masses. I specifically mentioned the importance of the lyrics to "Man in the Mirror," a song I love-love-loved. I really believed they would appreciate this bold response and feel they needed my youthful and fresh perspective in their organization... it probably wont surprise you to find out I did not get the job.

I remember being confused by the look of horror on my parents' faces when I mentioned my response to them. My mother's eyes glazed over and I was pretty sure I heard her mumbling "why not Eleanor Roosevelt?" under her breath as she walked away, convinced the educational system had failed me.

It was not much later that Michael Jackson's behavior and appearance started changing in extreme and strange ways. When the first accusations of mistreatment of a child were brought against him, I was devastated. How could I have been so wrong? I could no longer listen to his music without cringing from embarrassment about my severely misguided admiration. I'm so naive. I should have paid more attention in history class. Please God do not let that interviewer remember me and my ridiculous answer...

Fast forward 18 years and several jobs later...I'm taking a spin class and "Man in the Mirror" is in the mix. Unable to avoid it, I listened to the lyrics once again. By the end of the song I'm on a full, standing, spin-dance, I don't care who's looking, high. Those lyrics are amazing. I do love them. I was right. What a visionary I was. Screw that interviewer.

Not only that, I reveled in the realization that all these years later I still believe the lyrics represent one of the most important lessons in life,

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself then make a change

In fact, I've created a business based on that same message :
You can only be responsible for yourself. It starts inside. Be the change.

Michael Jackson had moments of greatness and moments of shame, as we all do to our own extent. So be it. Let's choose to focus on the good. Shake your body down to the ground.

Does the World need another t-shirt?

This is a question that runs through my mind often. No, I think, the world doesn't. And that's what I use to justify my stuckness, the denial of what calls me. Because, the truth is, I love t-shirts. I might go as far as saying I'm passionate about them. I love that they are a simple, pervasive, universal garment that can be used as a means of self-expression. And, when designed and worn right, can be downright stylish. And just about everyone can afford one, so they are a fashion equalizer.

I felt this way when I started the be line. And I feel this way now as I work on ideas for the beU bookstore.

My sister introduced me to this quote which is one of the most profound ideas I've ever contemplated:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what this world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Designing t-shirts that express the rootsy, soulful voice of spirit is what makes me come alive. So be it.

Gone Gardening

That's where I've been. Enjoying every moment of it.

For the first time, I made the decision to enjoy the process of gardening. Sometimes simply deciding to be, and enjoy being while you're at it, is all it takes. As a result, I have enjoyed even the clearing out, cutting back, raking and weeding that I usually just endure or skim over to get to the fun of arranging new plants in the ground, containers and window boxes. Using the straightforward method of sensory awareness, I brought myself into the present moment by listening to the sounds of birds and my children playing, smelling every herb and flower and feeling the sensations of my hands and wellies in the dirt. I had a moment where I considered that there might not be anything in the world more beautiful than the dark rich color of freshly turned soil ( just high on life, I swear. )

Gardening is truly good for the body, mind and spirit. There's lots to do, there's lots to know and there's lots of opportunities to stop and smell the roses.

Remember that song by Mac Davis? While the rest of us had posters of Donny Osmond in his purple socks on our wall, my sister had Mac Davis. Uh huh. I could not make that up. Anyway, here's some lyrics from his song:

Where you going in such a hurry
Don't you think it's time you realized
There's a whole lot more to life than work and worry
The sweetest things in life are free
And there right before your eyes

You got to Stop and Smell the roses
You've got to count your many blessings everyday

Enjoying the Journey

well, kind of.

Feeling unfocused, uninspired and unorganized about work brought on many "I should be doing something" moments.

Why doesn't being come more naturally? The pressure I felt was entirely self imposed. And the whole time I was aware of how absurd it was to not be doing anything while feeling guilty and miserable about it. What a waste of perfectly good time. I can never get that time back.

I think about the last 40 years and all of the time spent feeling guilty or anxious about what I was not doing. Then I fantasize about sending myself the message..."it all works out, just enjoy being exactly where you are right now...look around you, there is so much to appreciate."

I'm learning that the ebb is as natural and necessary as the flow in life. Ebb is going to happen, my experience of it is up to me. It is not a phase to endure, head down just waiting for the flow again. If we don't judge it as a bad thing, it could be interesting and exciting in a new way. Ebb is our friend.
It's a new mantra : Embrace ebb.

jacqueline veissid photo

Excuse me while I incubate

From wikipedia:

incubation is one of the 4 proposed stages of creativity: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification . Incubation is defined as a process of unconscious recombination of thought elements that were stimulated through conscious work at one point in time, resulting in novel ideas at some later point in time.

I like this reasoning for my lack of posts so much better than admitting to laziness and procrastination or blaming winter blues brought on by constant freezing temperatures, kid's snow days, sick days and a lack of sunshine.

Sometimes I just don't feel inspired and I'm trying to let that be ok. Even better, I'm trying to choose an interpretation that feels powerful such as anticipating the creativity that's sure to result from this dormant phase.

Have a wonderful weekend.

My New Years Revelation

2009 is about me being me.

I will spend much more time discovering who that is and much less time deciding who that should be. I will hang out with people who enhance and nourish who I am and respectfully ignore the ones who do not. I will model this authenticity and sense of self for my children.
I will remember that trying to be anything other than me is an exhausting waste of time that distracts me from giving the world what I came here to give. I will be emboldened by the belief that my truest self is no less than a force of nature. And I will stay motivated by the suspicion that serious fun, fabulous style and true true love are just a few of the perks that come along with being the real me.

R I P : HotWheels Henshaw 2005-2008

Our goldfish died. We started out 3 years ago with two little goldfish. One died quickly, but HotWheels lived a long and happy life.

I was the one who made sure he had a clean tank, but the boys were good about feeding HotWheels almost regularly. He stayed in their room, and they always included him when doing a family count - there were 10 of us (Mom, Dad, 2 boys, 4 hermit crabs, 1 dog and 1 fish.) So I was surprised when, as I was scooping him out of the tank, they asked with excitement "can we get a Chinese fighting fish?" No tears, no sadness, they were already thinking about what was next.

I put the little cup with HotWheels in it outside the house with the plan to hold a short burial ritual so my children could experience the proper way to show respect and gratitude for all creatures great and small. And then, um, I forgot about him.

A few days ago I pulled into the driveway and immediately smelled the worst smell I have ever smelled. Foul. Ross was stacking wood, knocked over the cup, and our dog pounced on and ate poor, decomposing HotWheels. The stench lasted for hours. We were gagging and the kids were happily telling anyone who would listen that our dog ate our dead fish.

Maybe kids and dogs are closer to the truth - what we regard as upsetting and traumatic, they understand as a natural progression of life. What was left of HotWheels wasn't really him. To his spirit, wherever it may be, I say "thank you for the joy you brought while you were here" and "jeez, I'm so sorry about the dog thing..."